If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
