im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
