I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Quick, to the slutcave!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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