This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
