If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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