i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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