I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
