woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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