Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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