Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
