I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
