I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
