That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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