So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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