It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
