I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
