I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
