When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Randomize
