I skipped work to stalk him.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
