If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
