Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
