I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Randomize
