wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
