Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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