Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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