just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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