Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
