Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
