Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
