I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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