roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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