Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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