I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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