Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
