I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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