I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
