@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
