my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
should my penis look like a turkey
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
