and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
