break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
