just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
