did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
