Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
