Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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