weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
