I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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