I think i peed on brittanys purse
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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