I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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