I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize