I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize