When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
