I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
