This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
