Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
