turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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