Got a toothbrush?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
