don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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