I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
