Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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