some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
