and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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