I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry about my life...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
