Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize